The introduction from the workbook is shared as a commitment to help you in “Discovering Your Life.”

Introduction

Why this book

My life passion is about helping people grow to the point where they can say, “I’m living a life I love.” During therapy, people often struggle with their self-identity. Individuals don’t realize how our identity is simply a collection of stories. When asked who you are, you respond with a story about being a brother, wife, mother, son, parent, single, etc. You tell stories about where you travel, what you do or where you are going. You might think your story is only about the past, but actually it is also about framing and creating your future. Through “story” you’re able to understand what is important in your life, identify goals, and start the process of shaping your journey. Your journey is based on self-knowledge, awareness, wants, values, and goals. One tool to help people reveal and uncover their story is journaling. However, frequently clients tell me, “I don’t know what to write in my journal.” This book is designed to jumpstart your journaling toward self-discovery by posing a series of evocative questions designed to uncover and reveal your core values, beliefs and ideals.

Much of what we think occurs so automatically! Like a completed jigsaw puzzle, we see the big picture but not the individual pieces that comprise it. The process of developing our identity is about becoming aware of those individual pieces of the puzzle: our own thoughts. Over time, we integrate our thoughts into a pattern, a story. Self-identity is the process of recognizing and understanding the importance of story, and in particular the unspoken assumptions within our story. The questions in this workbook are designed to help you clarify, expose, and when necessary, even rewrite your own personal story.

Who am I and what I SHOULD want

For many people starting the self-growth process, self-awareness is undeveloped. Sadly, too often people really don’t know what to want. People at this stage of identity development are coping with the difficult challenge of external pressures dictating how they should live their lives. The result is people taking on messages from family, friends, society and even therapists of what they SHOULD want.

The power of SHOULD in our society is very strong. Listen to the language of others: the frequency of “You SHOULD” is amazing. All of our marketing is based on “You SHOULD.” Much of our life discussion is also based on “you should,” or more often, “you shouldn’t.” Many of the sources of ‘should’ are based in culture. Too often, these cultural messages are so embedded that we simply don’t recognize them. Listen for all the ways you are told, “I should,” or “shouldn’t” or more important, the occasions when you say, “I should” or “I shouldn’t.”

Uncovering what you want

Uncovering what you want is a process, and you are in charge of that process. Despite what all the advertising tells us, it isn’t as simple as going to the store and picking a box of “happiness” and “fulfillment.” Choosing is work. Choosing is difficult. Choosing involves risk, hurt and failure. And the choice to live the way you choose is easier when you have a level of self-knowledge about what you want. In reality, anything is possible in your life. “I choose to live my life this way. I choose not to engage in these behaviors, or I choose to engage in these behaviors.” It is your responsibility to assertively confront the pressure toward conformity. Ultimately, living a life you love is about you choosing the way to live your life.

Power of Thought

Self-discovery is about uncovering your deepest desires. My treatment approach focuses on helping individuals understand their patterns of thinking. Patterns of thinking are often based on the ‘shoulds’ we take on from others. “Thought” is an extraordinarily powerful thing. In fact, our entire existence is based on our thoughts. Our thoughts determine the way we perceive, examine and feel about life events, and how we interact with others. These thoughts become the stories of our life.

One of my favorite stories comes from the Broadway musical Wicked. When the heroine, Elphaba, a green colored person, enters Oz, she finds the citizens wearing green-colored glasses. Over time, the citizens forget they are wearing green glasses, and simply conclude that everything is naturally green. That is why, to the citizens of Oz, Elphaba didn’t look strange: since everything was green, there was nothing to stand in contrast to green. If you are wearing green glasses, everything looks green and the word “green” ceases to have any meaning – just as the word “wet” ceases to have any meaning when you’re under water.

In a similar way, our thinking patterns color our view of life. These patterns are pervasive, but they are hidden and we simply don’t realize they are present. Like the people of Oz, we’re unaware of their effect. Another example: imagine your reaction to your boss stopping at your desk and saying, “I want to see you in my office.” Pay attention to your reaction. Are you happy? Fearful? Annoyed? Your instant reaction gives you a chance to see one of the lenses in your world. The thinking patterns – the stories – that we have created about our lives are lenses through which we look at the world. We are unaware of these stories/lenses, even though we see the world through them, because we don’t see the stories themselves. In order to know what you want and how you want to live your life, you need to become aware of your stories, the lenses through which you see the world.

Mindfulness and transference are two helpful easy to learn skills for increasing your awareness of the presence and power of your stories. Both are powerful tools, giving insight into the power of thought.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the experience of being aware of your current thoughts, feelings, body state and surroundings by paying attention to your reactions, motivations and actions. To increase your ability to be mindful, I encourage you to become aware of – and not hide – your inner conversations. For example, when someone walks into the room, you might say to yourself (your inner conversation), “She’s attractive.” Or when a friend suggests a restaurant, you might say, “Sure!” (But in fact you are hiding your inner conversation, which is, “I’m not hungry.”) Meditation techniques can help increase your mindfulness.

Transference

Transference is any reaction we have to another person or situation. Often transference occurs so quickly, we don’t realize either that it occurred or the content of the transference. We are, however, CONSTANTLY making assessments and judgments about our environment based on our past experience. It is the past experience applied to the current situation that typifies transference. Most of the time we focus on negative transference, or the negative reactions we have to someone. Positive transference is also helpful to understand. People and/or favorable reactions can tell us what we like or want.

The individuals or circumstances with which you have the strongest reaction are the times where you can learn the most. In any reaction, you can learn what you are feeling and thinking and how it relates to your desires. Asking the following questions is a start: “Why am I having this reaction? Who does this remind me of? What memory does this trigger? Why do I like or dislike this person?” Whatever the response, you can gain insight into your internal thoughts and feelings and begin revealing your true desires.

Taken together, mindfulness and transference are two important tools to help you increase your self-awareness.

Discernment

Discernment is the exercise of discovering, and revealing the truth within you. Discernment is a process. Although the first response to a question might “seem” like the “correct” response, discovering your personal truth occasionally requires additional time. Often we edit or limit our thoughts, beliefs and desires. Discovering your deeper self requires you to challenge the thoughts, beliefs and values you assume to be true. Self-identity is about integrating results from many trials and errors, experimentation, successes and failures.

Discernment is also about responsibility. It requires you to step-up and say, “This is important to me. This is what I believe.” Too often, people avoid this responsibility for any number of fears including fear of judgment, or disapproval. Paradoxically, when you step-up and take responsibility for your journey, freedom is possible resulting in a feeling of empowerment to say, “Yes, this is me!”

Why does a person stop at a stop sign?

One of my favorite exercises is asking a client: Why does a person stop at a stop sign? After a moment of confusion often based on the thought “what is the purpose of that stupid question” the client will usually respond with a nice answer punctuated with an attitude (and for drama, a nice roll of the eyes) of “that is so obvious.” My enjoyment is to follow-up with “Why ELSE might a person stop at a stop sign?” And the exercise continues until the person exhausts all of the answers, usually providing 2-3 responses. Then I ask them to think of a funny reason, a silly reason, a stupid reason, an absurd reason etc. In one group setting, the group eventually identified 41 reasons why a person might stop at a stop sign. One of the silliest reasons to stop at a stop sign that an individual offered was “Stop, in the name of Love” playing off the song. I made my point. Until you think outside the box, your options are limited.

So often in the realm of personal journey, we assume we know the answer to the question. We’ve been taught, told, indoctrinated, forced, or otherwise encouraged to “know” the right answer, and as a result we haven’t really thought about our response to the question. The movement toward self-awareness is a process of discovering and thinking outside the box. Your purpose in this process is to ask, “Why do I think this?” What else may be an answer, response, thought, issue or concern associated with the question? This process is about unfolding, uncovering, and discovery.

Integrity: Meaning what you say and saying what you mean

If discernment is the process of deciding, choosing, and uncovering for yourself what is at your core and your personal truth, integrity is an essential element of discernment. Integrity, put simply, is meaning what you say and saying what you mean.

Integrity is challenging. One time, I was offering congratulations to a person celebrating 9-months of sobriety. I asked how he was finally able to stay sober, after struggling for so long. He responded, “I discovered I wasn’t being honest about stopping. Yeah, I told you I wanted to stop, but I was still glamorizing the drugs and sex.” Another person talked about his inability to stop viewing pornography. He said, “I’m not able to stop viewing porn. Oh, by the way, my wife thinks pornography is a problem, but I don’t.”

Both examples highlight the role and difficulty of integrity. Only when you’re transparent about who and what is important in your life, can you build integrity. It is imperative that you be radically honest in the process. Building integrity requires recognizing the disconnect between what you say and what you do, and then completing the steps toward connecting the two. A number of important characteristics are identifiable when you are living in integrity:

Honesty

You say what you mean and you mean what you say. When someone asks, “How are you today?” you do not respond with a bland response. You respond with integrity by saying “It’s a good day” or “It’s a bad day.”

Completeness

Your responses are complete. You share everything as appropriate versus disclosing parts of the response. When something happens, you are thorough about what occurred. You actively volunteer all information, versus playing a cat and mouse game about not disclosing information.

Assertiveness

Integrity requires you to speak your opinion and beliefs. If your friend, partner, support network, group or even your therapist wants you to do something, but you don’t want to, the key is to be assertive in your communication. When I see a person struggling with a goal, I ask are, “Are you sure it is YOUR goal?” Are you ready to put in the work toward reaching the goal? For example, do you really want to lose the five pounds, or are you simply bowing to the pressures of culture saying you “SHOULD” be skinnier when in fact you really don’t want to do what is necessary regarding diet and exercise. Or like the husband above who couldn’t stop viewing pornography. That wasn’t his goal; it was his wife’s.

Balance

Integrity reflects balance, and it is generally something we know intuitively. If something feels out of whack, you generally know it. When you ride a bicycle, for example, you know when you are in balance. The same is true for the realm of integrity. You know intuitively when you are in balance.

Endurance

Living with integrity will be tough; it will require energy to keep going when you feel like giving up. When in conflict, a desire to run away is normal but endurance requires us to stay in the conversation even when anxious or fearful.

Life Coaching and Personal Growth

Often when people learn that I am a therapist, they tell me about their life. They are eager – hungry even –to share who they are with me. I’ve heard stories everywhere – the gym, coffee shop, walking the dogs, parties, meetings, etc. People have a real need to discover, understand, embrace and express their personal stories, perhaps as a way of gaining support. Often, however, in our society the only acceptable venue for seeking support is through the medical model of a “problem,” where people seek professional help because bad things are happening.

In recent years, a “Life Coaching” movement has been developing. What is a life coach? Imagine a health-based, holistically integrative approach to self-identity, starting from a place of health, not from a problem. This growth comes from insight and understanding of your story. Life coaching uses your experiences to help you integrate your values and goals, facilitating growth. A life coach is someone who walks along in your journey toward living a life you love.

How (NOT) to use this book

If you choose, you could finish this workbook in a few hours (or even less) by simply writing down quick responses to the questions. That approach, however, is not productive. This book is designed for reflection. Pay attention to the concepts of discernment and integrity. Be honest and thorough. Don’t edit your responses. Simply write. If issues arise as you answer the questions, you can address them in due time.

Take a moment and meditate. Answer one question in a day or over the week. In the practice of meditation, a process of reflection occurs where we sit with our initial response and let it be. The result often is a new perspective. For individuals less familiar with meditation, the following analogy might be useful:

One of the beautiful things about a vase of flowers is looking at it from different perspectives. By walking around the vase and viewing it from different angles, we gain a deeper awareness of the flowers – their shape, color, texture and inherent beauty. So it is with the questions in this workbook. You are like that vase of flowers, and your responses to the questions in this workbook are like viewing yourself from different perspectives: each response gives you a different perspective on yourself, ultimately giving you a deeper awareness of your needs, desires and wants. In this workbook, the key to gaining deeper awareness is to discern and provide responses that truly reflect your story. In terms of integrity, the responses are YOURS, not how you think others or I want you to respond.

Enjoy, discover, and have fun. It is the journey, not the destination that is the key. This is your journey.

Instructions

The assignment is to answer the questions to the best of your ability. Your response is the only right response.

•Some questions may seem easy to answer. These are designed to increase your comfort in the process.

•Some questions may seem confusing to answer. Answer the question in the way that makes sense to you.

•Some questions may seem difficult to answer. You may need to come back to them after a period of reflection.

•Some questions may seem impossible to answer. Answer to the best of your ability.

You can skip and jump around. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to use this workbook. It is the process or journey that is important, not the destination. Within your responses, sometimes patterns may be uncovered. Take a moment to reflect on the patterns and ask yourself if it is a pattern you want in your life. I invite you to examine, share, and review your responses. Each page has a place to reflect on that particular question where you might identify your reactions. Some of your responses may cause distress. These are “growth opportunities” for further reflection. Some responses may even result in a change in how you live your life. In discovering your responses to the questions you will be better able to say, “I’m living a life I love.”

Bonus Assignment

As a bonus assignment, I invite you to write an autobiography. (Later, the final assignment will be to write a second autobiography comparing the two versions.) For the autobiography, write as much or as little as you need to allow a reader to understand the true you. By design, this assignment does not have a lot of detail, allowing you to choose what is important to include in the autobiography.

Adaptations of the Workbook

This book can easily be adapted for any number of uses.  Here are two examples to consider.  I encourage you to be creative!

Instructions for Couples

Complete the questions per the instructions on the previous page.

On any one question, share the following.

•Share your responses with each other.

•Describe and explain the level of comfort in sharing your response.

•What have you learned about your partner from his/her sharing?

•How does your response change as you hear your partern’s response?  What motivates this change? 

♣How much does the change reflect your inner being?

♣How much of this change might be a “should?”

•Pick another question and repeat.

Instructions for Groups

Pick one question for discussion. On any one question, share the following.

•Share your response to the group.

•Describe and explain the level of comfort in sharing your response.

•What have you learned about your group member from his/her sharing?

•How does your response change as you hear his/her response?  What motivates this change? 

♣How much does the change reflect your inner being?

♣How much of this change might be a “should?”

•Pick another question and repeat.