Living a Life I Love

Preface written by Eli Coleman, Ph.D.

The desire for healthy sexuality and relationships is universal. However, many struggle to find satisfying, pleasurable, safe, meaningful, and enriching sexual experiences and relationships. Intimacy can be elusive. Growing up in safe and loving homes makes this journey much easier – but still challenging. Growing up in dysfunctional family systems makes this journey very difficult. We all face growing up in a highly dysfunctional society where we cannot talk about sexuality openly and sexual minority groups are stigmatized. We are denied basic and fundamental information about our sexuality. Research to inform us about healthy sexual development is lacking. Access to competent sexual health care is limited. All of these factors make the process of developing a healthy sexuality more challenging. Whatever your background, the search for feeling good about yourself and connections with others has been a process since the first day of birth and rarely has been easy for a variety of factors. And this process continues throughout life until we die.

So what is sexual health? There are many definitions of sexual health but the bottom line is that it is something more than the absence of disease and it is more than having a hot sexual encounter. But what is it? As this workbook points out, this is something that needs to be examined and discovered and is highly personal. One thing is certain: sexual health is a process and not a state. It is not something that we attain or lose; it is something that we strive for – it is something that we create.

And what is sexuality? It is certainly more than the sex act - and it encompasses our sexuality identity, roles, body image, sexual behaviors and fantasies, values, communication, relationships (of all types), and intimacy. It is expressed whether we are having sex or not, whether we are in a sexual relationship or not. It is something that we can express with ourselves and not only with others. In this broad sense, our sexuality is an integral and essential part of who we are and what we do. It is a basic driving force in our life – a basic appetitive drive. Like many forces, they exist on a continuum from highly positive to highly negative. And compulsive sexual behavior exists of a continuum as well. There is a range. Some of us simply have problems that are easily corrected through awareness and redirection. Others are more resistant to change, and we need more help from others, including professional help.

Some people’s sexuality becomes a very negative force and one of the most common ways is when people develop obsessive and compulsive patterns of expressing their sexuality. It is when they lack impulse control and lack the integration of their sexual values and their behavior.  Impulsive/compulsive sexual behavior can cause emotional suffering and potentially lead to social, ethical, and legal sanctions and increased health risks, such as HIV or other sexually transmitted infections. It is highly correlated with risky sexual behaviors including those that can put someone at risk for contracting or transmitting HIV or sexually transmitted infections. Frankly, we believe that this is a major factor in the continued spread of HIV and the resurgence of other sexually transmitted infections.

Some questions that you should ask yourself initially are:

1.Do you, or others who know you, find that you are overly preoccupied or obsessed with sexual activity?

2.Do you ever find yourself compelled to engage in sexual activity in response to stress, anxiety, or depression?

3.Have serious problems developed as a result of your sexual behavior (e.g., loss of a job or relationship, sexually transmitted diseases, injuries or illnesses, or sexual offenses)?

4.Do you feel guilty and shameful about some of your sexual behaviors?

5.Do you fantasize or engage in any unusual or what some would consider "deviant" sexual behavior?

6.Do you find yourself constantly searching or "scanning" the environment for a potential sexual partner?

7.Do you ever find yourself sexually obsessed with someone who is not interested in you or does not even know you?

8.Do you think your pattern of masturbation is excessive, driven, or dangerous?

9.Do you find yourself compulsively searching for erotica for sexual stimulation?

10.Do you find yourself spending excessive amounts of time on the Internet engaging in various sexual pursuits?

11.Do you find that you avoid sexuality, intimate relationships or connections with others?

12.Have you had numerous love relationships that are short-lived, intense, and unfulfilling?

13.Do you feel a constant need for sex or expressions of love in your sexual relationship?

If you answer even a few of these questions in the affirmative, you have found the right book for you.  Avoiding this issue will simply lead to other problems. Once you recognize where you stand, you are able to improve your sexual health.

As this workbook points out, this kind of sexual problem has been called many things but it is when the car is driving you rather than you driving the car -- this is a problem. When you do not have your hand on the wheel, have faulty equipment, or don’t know how to drive -- disasters are inevitable.

Disagreement exists as to whether impulsive/compulsive sexual behavior is an addiction, a psychosexual developmental disorder, an impulse control disorder, a mood disorder, or an obsessive-compulsive disorder. There is no one explanation or simple mechanism. This workbook aptly helps you examine various mechanisms that can be fueling your out of control behavior and gives you tools to harness that fuel and improve your sexual health.

But, overcoming impulsive/compulsive sexual behavior can be quite challenging. For some, a little bit of knowledge and insight can go along way. For others, some professional help is really needed. And, there are medications that can be quite helpful as well.

This workbook is a good start and a good mechanism to gain the control that you want and to enrich your sexual life. Through many years of experience, Weston Edwards has written out many of the tools that he has used to help countless numbers of people gain control over their sexual behavior and improve their sexual health. He describes sound principles of sexual health and effective tools for overcoming impulsive/compulsive sexual behavior. This is an extremely valuable resource for anyone who has struggled and is searching to improve his or her sexual lives.

To gain control, you have to dig deep. It is not just about trying to get control over your behavior. You have to know and resolve issues that fuel your behavior. And, then you need to go on to build a positive sexual self-image and satisfying and meaningful relationships and intimacy. The exercises in this book can be invaluable for gaining control over your sexual behavior but also to bring about a life long process of sexual health.

Eli Coleman, Ph.D.

Academic Chair in Sexual Health

Professor and Director

Program in Human Sexuality

University of Minnesota Medical School